Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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