What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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