I have demons in me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
