I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
