I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize