you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
