I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
