Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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