it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
