It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize