Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
