pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i out mim tonsoeep
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
