NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
