There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
