Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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