so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
