I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's intense
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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