Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
