Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
