don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
