Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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