I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize