Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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