u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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