The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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