I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
