Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Every concussion has its silver lining
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
