Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
