sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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