I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
