I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
