Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
