Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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