I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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