Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
