You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
