Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
