ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
