I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
