would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
