Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
