smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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