You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
