there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
