3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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