i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
