He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
