i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
