i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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