I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
