what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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