he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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