my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
