Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
