I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
