He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
