There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
