I bet he comes in French.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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