Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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