why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
