I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
