I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
