Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
