This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
